Today has been a pretty good day, perhaps my best day in a while. I feel dare I say it " optimistic".
It isn't easy to be optimistic in this day and age. I don't care what anyone says, we are living through a second great depression. I have been without work for almost a year, and it's been the pits. I have heard of others without work for far longer and anyone who says there is a teacher shortage is eating yellow snow. I started forwarding applications to teacher openings in the late spring. Like most of my colleagues, I have gotten a few interviews and call backs ,but nothing special. I felt ready to return to the classroom, but after weeks of denials and silence I started to doubt my ability. I've been a bit unsure of what direction to go in of late with my life and that's not me normally. I think it triggered some anxiety driven nightmares of being back in high school.
Well, I did recently teach high school and it really sucked. It was a nightmare all it's own. Imagine teaching a bunch of unruly teens and not having any supplies for art and no support from the administrators at a school on the verge of being shut down on a yearly basis. Horrendous , doesn't even begin to go there. It was like a tour of duty that left me a bit shell-shocked. I'm certainly not quite the same mild mannered guy I was before entering that environment. It changed me a lot. I'm much quicker to tell someone to jump off in a tank than I was prior. Yep, while I still have a lot of patience I have now developed zero tolerance.
Ironicly , when I was a kid in high school it was not a bad time for me. In fact it was a great time. However as a senior in high school I did have a lot of uncertainty about my future. Perhaps that's what my dreams have been about recently. It's usually the same dream where I have to turn in some huge book report in order to graduate and I have nearly missed the deadline or I am teaching a class that I am not prepared for. I guess my dreams have been telling me to stop stressing over the future and to be prepared.
I can't say I have figured out the answers, but at this moment I've kind of decided to cease cranking out the resumes for a while. If someone wants to hire me I've certainly signed up with enough job banks and sent my resumes to dozens of human resource departments. I could use a job, but I'd rather have a "calling" than just a job. So what is my true calling? I think it's this art stuff for better or worst. I think the past several years I kind of lost track of what makes me happy. I don't know how that happened. Perhaps I let making a living and earning a living consume me. I think it really did consume me till there wasn't much else. It's hard being an artist , cause your constantly juggling reality with dream, left brain with right brain. Only other artists can understand this struggle. Anyway, the school year has not begun yet, so maybe I will still get a call that says I'm hired. As for now, I've resolved to hang up my teaching hat and I feel such a relief. I feel so much better today. I hope I can maintain my focus on being stress free and preparing by learning and doing things I never had a chance to do before.
I feel like there are a few painting in me and possibly a few books in me that I have neglected too long. I haven't given up on being an educator, but I have given up on finding a teaching job for now. I'd never say never, but I think there must be other ways for me to earn an income. There must be some way to use my God given talents to be successful. I'm thinking of a lot of options right now. For one, I'm considering a return to college. It's not my ideal choice, but we shall see. I haven't decided yet, but if I do return to college it will be on my terms for something I enjoy, that will build upon what I've already learned , allow me to earn an a living, and have time to continue my art.
That's all for now. Maybe I will be adding more frequent updates to this thing. Since I was feeling a bit inspired I decided to write this blog today and share my thoughts. Peace.
